Right before the Christmas break, I had the opportunity to appear on Mass Appeal, WWLP Channel 22, once again…this time to give some survival tips for new moms and dads. Mass Appeal’s host, Ashley, is about to have her first child any day now, so it seemed fitting for me to go on the show and discuss this topic right before her maternity leave.
While I gave what I thought was some pretty good advice for new parents during my segment on the show, there was plenty more I wanted to say…but it’s kind of frowned upon to swear on TV. On that note, I came up with a list of 10 additional tips for brand new moms and dads that I could not say on television without being escorted out by security.
First and foremost, here is the video clip of my Mass Appeal appearance:
Aren’t I a freakin’ sweetie pie?
Ok…here are 10 other brutally honest tips that I have for new moms and dads, all of which may scare the shit out them and make them resent ever having read this blog.
1. Learn to become completely immune to receiving the middle finger or hearing random outbursts of “Go Fu&% Yourself!” from your spouse. He/she is totally and completely overwhelmed and sleep deprived, and he/she knows not what he/she says. Consider expletives as terms of endearment immediately upon bringing home a newborn.
2. Moms – At least for the first couple of months, either break all of the freakin’ mirrors in your house or cover them up with tinfoil…especially the big one in the bathroom. Trust me…you don’t want to see your naked reflection right after you’ve pushed a child out of your va-jay-jay, and while there are random fluids leaking from every orifice of your body. Your Mom Sexy will eventually return…but at the beginning? Looking in the mirror can be detrimental to your psychological health.
3. Dads – (I say this with complete and total respect): Find a nice, quiet, dark place in your house to jack off. Because chances are you aren’t getting laid for at least 3-6 months. Deal with it, and every time you are horny as hell and get all pissed off that your wife doesn’t want to fu%& you, just stop for a moment and take time to be thankful that you didn’t have to squeeze a human head out of your penis.
4. Just because you are completely and totally fascinated by the color, size, shape, and smell of your baby’s poop doesn’t mean that every single person you encounter will be as mesmerized by it. Consider your baby’s poop to be a secret, intimate conversation that is reserved for your spouse, the grandparents, your pediatrician, and for your good friends who have kids. Assume that anyone outside the scope of those particular individuals doesn’t give a shit…(no pun intended).
5. Ladies…take all of your sexy thong underwear and hide it in the back of your dresser somewhere for use at a later date. I’m sorry to break it to you…but the mesh panties you brought home from the hospital are about as close to lingerie as you’re going to get for at least a couple of months. Sad, but true.
6. Don’t expect too damn much the first time that you finally have sex again after getting the all-clear from the OBGYN. First-time sex after childbirth pretty much resembles regular first-time sex. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and odds are good that you will have to fake the big “O”. The only difference between losing your virginity and having post-baby sex for the first time is that this time you’ll be hurrying things up not because you have no clue what you’re doing, but instead because you know that there is only a small window of time to get it on in between middle of the night feedings. Hump while you can…and hump FAST.
7. Before scheduling a girls or boys night out, always consult your spouse first to make sure that he/she knows you are planning on hitting the town without him or her. Gone are the days of calling on the way home from work to tell your spouse that you are stopping by your favorite local bar to have a couple cocktails. NOPE. You’ve gotta get that shit approved and scheduled on the calendar EACH AND EVERY TIME. Your days of spontaneity and flying by the seat of your pants are totally over. (For at least the next five years or more).
8. If you’re one of those people who is OCD either about having a perfectly clean house or having everything put in its place at all times or a combination of both of these things, then you’d better think about seeing a hypnotist immediately. Because you’re pretty much up shit creek.
9. Get yourself used to the idea of being pissed on, shit on, barfed on, or a random combination of the three. It’s inevitable that you will find yourself in a scenario like this sometime (if not more than once) in the next year or so. It’s important to learn to recognize the signs of being in a moment when you are about to be pissed on, shit on, or barfed on, and brace yourself accordingly. You also need to learn to part ways with whatever outfit you happen to be wearing when said situation occurs. The dumpster works way better than the washing machine in most cases.
10. Stop beating yourself up and asking whether or not this was the right time in your life to have kids, because the truth is that no time is ever the RIGHT time. Enjoy the good moments, support each other during the challenging ones, and on those days when you truly feel like you are at your wits end, repeat this phrase in your head, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” Trust me…in a few years…you’ll have your life back, so to speak…and then you’ll wonder where in the hell the time went. Life with a newborn is not easy…but it WILL get better. I PROMISE.
(And yes…MOST people eventually start having regular sex again. I figured that any dads reading this quit paying attention the minute I said that they probably wouldn’t get laid for 3-6 months, so I thought it was best to throw this disclaimer in).