Sigh. ‘Tis the season for all things merry and bright. Or something like that.
For whatever reason, I’m just not feeling the holidays this year, but in an effort to try and get into the spirit of the season, I sat down yesterday and turned on the Hallmark channel, because what chick in her right mind doesn’t love a Hallmark Christmas movie?
As lame as it sounds, over the course of the late afternoon and night, I watched four of them. FOUR. (My ex has my son this weekend. Don’t judge.) And after all four, I felt exactly like I expected I would feel every single time I watch a Hallmark Christmas movie.
I had a strange combination of warm fuzzies, hope that things like fate and soul mates really do exist, a little bit of Christmas spirit thrown in for good measure, and then a sinking, kinda sad feeling after having the brutally honest realization that my life is nothing like a f**cking Hallmark movie and probably never will be. (And I may or may not be ok with that.)
Please excuse me while I pause and try and wrap my head around the less-than-accurate portrayal of reality that Hallmark flicks achieve every single time. Let’s focus on the main character of the movies and break things down and see how it all unfolds.
Her career: She has an incredible job. Not just incredible — like Senior VP level. And odds are good that she JUST got promoted to Senior VP level like a week before Christmas because DUH — that’s SO in the budget for most companies. Is there honestly a better time to promote? Not in Hallmark land. Everybody’s making bank, and apparently money is growing on Christmas trees. Raises and fancy titles for everyone!
Home life: We have to mention her house. Don’t even get me started on her beyond-picture-perfect house. We’re talking Pottery Barn catalog shit, people. Decorated to perfection, right down to the throw pillows, monogrammed wine glasses, and accent tables. Oh, and she bakes. A lot. In her “spare” time.
And the house has a white picket fence on the outside. Or if she doesn’t live in the burbs, she has a penthouse in the city with expansive views of the skyline, you know, cuz her sweeeetttt job.
Vacation policy: Another perk of her sweeeetttt job? They don’t give a rat’s ass about attendance. On a whim, she can just up and leave and go back to her hometown for 2-weeks without putting in any sort of a vacation request after an emergency phone call comes into her cell during an important board meeting. And now she’s been given the task of “saving Christmas,” or whatever. There’s no way she’s not hopping on a plane immediately. This bitch loves a challenge.
Relationship status: She has a totally hot boyfriend who isn’t a full-blown asshole, but has asshole qualities in the sense that he doesn’t totally make her a priority in his life, because he also has a highfalutin’ career that can’t take a back seat to his personal life. Viewers can see this from early on, so we know she isn’t dumb enough to date a full-blown asshole, but we don’t feel bad when she dumps him for the sweet, humble, small-town Christmas tree farm owner later on in the flick. (The foreshadowing is always on point.)
Christmas tree farm dude: I mean … for any single ladies out there who are wondering where in the hell all the good men are, I have your answer. They’re all trapped inside our TV screens in Hallmark movies. They’re a dime a dozen in these flicks.
Check out those dimples! (And let’s just ignore the fact that this particular Christmas tree farm dude looks almost identical to Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. He’s turned out to be Prince Charming for more than one Hallmark leading lady, so we’ll let it slide.)
And he reallllllly is Prince Charming. Man. The love interest in a Hallmark movie is always not only single, but he probably owns his own business, and he most certainly does not live with his parents. And all of the old ladies in town absolutely lurrrrvvve him and bake him cookies and he eats them all and still has washboard abs. Perhaps from hauling Christmas trees. Whatever.
Spoiler alert — he’s still single because he had his heart broken in one of three ways: a.) a woman dumped him for some high-profile rich dude with a sports car, b.) the main character in the Hallmark movie just so happens to be his childhood sweetheart who he’s always pined for, but she left him to pursue her sweeeetttt job in the city, and now he’s all “OMG SHE’S BACK AND I’M GONNA WIN HER OVER THIS TIME”, or c.) he was with a woman who tragically passed away a few years ago (cue the tears).
At any rate, he’s just about as stand-up as stand-up dudes get, and if the leading Hallmark movie chick doesn’t realize what a gem of a catch he is by the time the 2-hours of the flick are up, we’re all gonna fall off the couch and die.
The big dilemma: Ok, I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. Of courrrrssssee, just as she’s starting to fall for Christmas tree farm dude, her hunky boyfriend from the city decides he wants to see how the other half lives, so he flies in to surprise her. And he catches her walking down main street arm-in-arm with Christmas tree farm dude, but he sort of looks the other way, because duh, it’s cuffing season, and it’s f**king cold.
But now Hallmark movie chick finds herself in a real pickle, because she has not one, but two hot dudes who are all up in her shiz, and she has to take a step back and look at her life and think about what is really important and what she really wants as far as her future goes — and somehow moonlight, mistletoe, small-town charm, snowflakes, maybe a couple reindeer, and of course, Christmas trees, are going to help her figure it all out.
So basically, she’s forced to choose between living the high life in the city with a dude who adores her and treats her like a queen as long as he doesn’t have to work late — and a quaint, more chill life in a cute little town with another dude who adores her and treats her like a queen — but never has to work late and wants to make a bunch of babies and live happily ever after and take her and the babies to cut down a fresh tree at the Christmas tree farm each year from that point forward. (First world problems have nothing on Hallmark movie problems.)
Huh. And we wonder why around Christmas, so many of us start believing in things like dreams coming true and fairytales a little bit again. Let’s just go ahead and blame Hallmark, okay?
Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m about to stop watching these flicks. No freakin’ way. Back to the strange combination of feelings I have every single time I watch a Hallmark movie. Sure, the punch in the gut feeling that my life is far from perfect is kind of a bitch. But the warm fuzzies and faith that the future just might hold happy endings for all of us is more than worth tuning in for. #HallmarkChristmasMovies4Ever